(insert Texas accent here)
Me, Tex JB Papel and my team of 4 of the Toilet Paper Brigade of the Texas Rangers have ben fielden calls and letters or emails lack this one from ordinary citizens lack you. Due to them crazy-ass TP hoarders – understandably panicked by the Co-Vid- nan teen crisis – we were ordered into the field to seek justice for kneady pursuns lack yourselves in search of a soft wipe. Here is an example of one of da emails my office has received, I’ll read it fer ya all brackets below are my comments [in-serted]:
“I ordered 36 rolls of the Family Sized Cottonelle TP for friends of mine. They reported the following: 1. They only received 24 rolls of TP and they were not “Family Sized” rolls [maybe rolls for single pursuns]; 2. The box it arrived in was tampered with, had holes and was beat up.
My friends are technophobes, and though I have instructed them to use the iPad Camera to photograph the package material, which in their haste – due to a need to have toilet paper [rott away] they opened it. Nevertheless, I asked them to photograph the box and the packaging to prove to you that they did not receive the item as paid for by me and promised as advertised.
Due to the shelter-in-place order I won’t be entering their apartment. But tomorrow, Sunday, I hope to instruct them on how to take a photo with their iPad and email it to me so I can email it to you.
Either your employees [of the manufacture-er] or your local post office have a black-market toilet paper ring or have made a mistake of some kind.
I expect you to rectify the matter.
name withheld for confidenture-ality
[reported sympathically by Tex Papel of the Toilet Paper Brigade of the Texas Rangers]
Although we have not found anything out from the local company or the United States Postal Office we have brokered a deal with your go-between agent and will be refunding you money of $1,200.00. Next thyme you buy TP don’t pay so much in da first place.
Our bill will faollow sune.
(based on a true story and Apologies to all Texans.)