Pondering the Social Media Trump Assault and an Alternative Part One

wethepeople

How It Is

Trump and the Trumpublicans (Trumpublicans are Republicans who have sworn their allegiance to Trump, surrendered critical thinking or are too fearful of criticism from Trump to oppose his Me-Only agenda whims) are engaged in a Libertarian Anarchistic Assault on:

  • Public health (Let’s go back to the way it was before the Affordable Care Act)
  • Sacred Earth / Environment (let’s roll back all EPA standards to promote Oil and Coal at the expense of the environment and public health concerns)
  • A Foreign Policy (there is no policy)
  • Congress (acting dictatorial without advice and consent from Congress)
  • Allegedly conspiring with Russia to disrupt/win elections (obstruction of justice; see Mueller Report)
  • Appoint Cabinet Members from “the swamp” of the corporate world creating conflicts of interest and fomenting greed etc., etc.
  • Emoluments (making money mandated by the office of the President) (an impeachable offence by the way)
  • Justice regarding Neo-Nazi, Immigrants, and LBGQ population (Trump is a White National Heterosexual Racist / Bigot)

And the list goes on. Trump reports that his policies are based on his “gut” intuition, giving him license to do whatever he pleases and change his mind often – clearly the actions of a dictator. My Facebook page is saturated with posts of our outrage against the Dictator aka Trump.

This is emotionally overwhelming mainly due to the injustice of it all.

No2Tryanny

Enter the many Democratic Challengers. Here are the top candidates:

  • Elizabeth Warren has a clear and pragmatic agenda with specific bills to address a progressive agenda. (Not much on foreign policy – but maybe I’m not well informed.)
  • Bernie Sanders has a clear progressive agenda. (Not much on foreign policy – but maybe I’m not well informed.)
  • Joe Biden – a centrist with an agenda to defeat Trump and a bumpy national agenda with moderate goals
  • Pete Buttigieg – an appealing intellectual centrist with an evolving agenda

As you may have guessed I favor a progressive agenda.

 

An Alternative: A Progressive Agenda

Intro

I was twelve when President Kennedy was assassinated and LJB became president. I never appreciated President Johnson’s work on Civil Rights, Voting Rights Act, Immigration reform, Federal funding for education, healthcare reform, in short, The Great Society which also included Gun Control, a clean environment, urban renewal, lowering poverty and so on… I never appreciated Johnson’s domestic agenda in-part due to my father’s conservative Republican harangue and Johnson’s escalation of the Vietnam War.

When Nixon was elected I became a peaceful anti-war activist.

When it became clear that Nixon broke the law and resigned from office I like a great number of others became disillusioned with the United States Government especially under Reagan, Clinton, George W. Bush, and Obama.

 

The Progressive Part

Looking back to President Kennedy and President Johnson’s domestic agendas they did much to start and continue the social programs of FDR helping to shape an emerging capitalistic economy for a rising middle-class, programs to assist with reducing racism – addressing poverty and with addressing environmental concerns.

It was a beginning that was stalled under Nixon and reversed under Reagan. Through Reagan’s deregulation agenda – the News Media was freed from being a public service to pursue profitable news – one reason why Conservative / Right leaning opinion is sold as News under Fox. Reagan’s tax cuts helped create a millionaire class while the middle-class began languishing further.

The ideas of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are middle-class people-oriented values and needs of the American public. Ever since Clinton abandoned many of the Democrat values by selling-out to Big-Money in his second term the Centrists took control of the party that no longer represents the people.

What’s needed is a vision of what Progressive America will look like once it gets going. How will it feel, what values will it return – how will it unite all Americans and not just the elite or the Big Moneyed interests.

This is a preface to the Progress vision coming in part two.

 

Comments about Driving a Car, Being On-Time and Multitasking

action asia asian auto

I currently operate two businesses out of my home so my need for driving has been reduced to three to four days a week.

When I worked a 40 hour per week job about 20 miles from my house the commute time to work ranged from 45 to 50 minutes with moderate to heavy traffic on the way to work, and 20 to 30 minutes returning. I worked swing shift and a couple of graveyard shifts.

increased stress and anxiety

When I was working I practiced the art of being on-time, which is arriving 5 to 15 minutes early if possible. With the USA work ethic is a frantic obsessiveness to gain every advantage and never stop working. Such illusory notions as multitasking have been introduced to give us more time to do everything and this is: The Myth of Multitasking

multicolored abstract painting

Trying to compress more activities into a finite time can lead to maddening outcomes with increased stress and anxiety. Down-time can lead to creative leaps in our work when we appear to be doing nothing but day-dreaming perhaps.

The Peace System or cooperative automobile driving – works.

asphalt blur car city

When I was commuting to work 4 to 5 days a week using a car I purchased it gave good gas mileage. Now that I am working from home and ninety percent of my trips are short and local gas mileage has dropped (admittedly not very good planning – unforeseen health challenges forced me to retire earlier than I had intended). To work on the ecology of it I drive less. This means planning trips even short ones. I apply the same principles of arriving on time to driving to a destination like a friend’s house, the Post Office, market, or bank.

Driving is about intention followed by executing actions

Drivers, Roads, Traffic, Traffic-Lights, Freeways, Police are part of the largest Peace System in the world. Each of us gets a license to drive a car by which a certain set of rules are applicable. The Police are there as part of a safety-net to ensure that the rules are followed so the system runs as smoothly as possible. When we follow the rules, we can move from place to place safely. The Peace System or cooperative automobile driving – works.

I give myself enough time

Driving is about intention followed by executing actions. Intention/action moves can be carried out with a calm compassion, with thoughtlessness, with humor, with thanks, with rushed anger and entitlement (or wild abandonment) etc. I depart (most of the time) 10 to 15 minutes before an appointment so I can have a stress-free drive, use intention effectively and work on being patient especially with drivers who think they are control the only car on the road. If I am turning the car I try to use my turn signal at least 500 to 1,000 yards before the turn. This is about good communication (with intention).

Projecting an intention towards another driver allows me to be more aware of possible unpredictable actions they may take based on their distractability or in other words driving defensively. Also I find that keeping my speed within the limit allows me to minimize wait times at traffic stops even in heavy traffic to some degree.

person performing fire dance at night

Driving becomes pleasant when I give myself enough time to do it. When I give myself time to work and lie idle as long as I apply a modicum of awareness to what I am doing.

Thoughts?

 

Gateway into the Light – 1984

sky space dark galaxy

In the beginning I avoided the extraordinary experiences because of a respected teacher had said:

“Many psychic-type experiences will happen as you do ‘The Work’. Pay no attention to this and continue to do your inner work.” 

 spoken by Pierre Elliot Headmaster

of the Fifth Basic Course at Claymont School for Continuous Education

in August of 1981.

In 1981 I had started a house cleaning business incorporating my inner work or ‘The Work’ as within the tasks of cleaning in Connecticut.  Then I transferred the business to Stockton, California in 1982 and then to Sonoma, California in 1983.

On July 3rd of 1984 I was cleaning a summer residence. J’s household was around in the early afternoon and then would leave with the children and Grandpa to Costco in Santa Rosa. They left me alone to clean the house. The weather was odd on that summer day in Northern California, overcast, hot and humid.

I was finishing up in the back utility room by putting away supplies when I heard a commotion on the deck between the house and the garage. It was a dust devil or whirlwind. It had picked up the plastic chairs and tables about 12 to 15 feet in the air whirling around. I peered out of the window watching it when it suddenly stopped and all the furniture clattered back to the deck. I straightened it. I was tired and dirty from cleaning and I had wanted to go home when I heard an odd sound originating at their built-in swimming pool.

Pool-Skimmer

The pool skimmer was caught up on the wave gutter of the pool. Wave gutters are normally for Olympic sized pools and one does not see them in backyard swimming pools very often. This pool skimmer was sputtering, a garden hose attached to its under belly.

I stood there examining the situation and finally said aloud to no one:

“I don’t feel like bending over and lifting it off.”

I felt an impression of a voice in my head say:

“You don’t have to do it that way.”

“Oh yeah,” I said feeling like an idiot for talking to myself, “What other way is there?”

No answer. A feeling or a sense swept over me.

I bent my knees slightly. I clenched my fists and bent my right elbow so that my right fist was near to my right shoulder. My left fist and left arm were extended by my left side. Using tension in both arms I reversed the positions and the skimmer moved off the lip of the wave gutter out towards the center of the pool.

“Nah,” I said aloud. The impression of the voice said: “Well, bring it back.”

I reversed my arms and it came back onto the wave gutter.

I freaked out. I ran to my car and ripped out of there thinking I was crazy.

In the summer of 1984 I experienced many odd things. I saw auras around people at times. While running, my spirit soared into the sky. I saw how light connected our hearts together and how that connected to the light of trees and plants and connected everyone with every being.

The Six Moons of Evolution

FullNewMoon

 

Tech Talk (for use as a referent)

All of the Six Full Moons are listed for Washington, DC below:

  1. 11-23-18, 12:39 am EST – Full Moon Gemini at 00 degrees 52 minutes
  2. 12-22-18, 12:48 pm EST – Full Moon Cancer at 00 degrees 49 minutes
  3. 01-21-19, 12:17 am EST – Full Moon Leo at 00 degrees 52 minutes*^
  4. 02-19-19, 10:53 am EST – Full Moon Virgo at 00 degrees 42 minutes*
  5. 03-20-19, 9:43 pm EDT – Full Moon Libra at 00 degrees 09 minutes*~’
  6. 04-19-19, 7:13 pm EDT – Full Moon Libra at 29 degrees 07 minutes

* Super Full Moons – indicating that the Moon is as close as it will get to Earth when full

^ Lunar Eclipse

~ Spring Equinox

Mercury continues in retrograde

New moons begin a new cycle, while full moons are the peak or fruition of the cycle. Each of the six new moons beginning the day after the US elections on 11-7-18 to the final cycle beginning 04-05-19 each begin at 15 degrees.

 

What it Means

Each of the New Moon cycles begins in the middle of the six signs giving a weight or solidity to the beginning of the cycle. The first of these cycles 11-7-18 starts with a solid dose of transformation – going to the depths of the darkest oceans to allow secrets to emerge. That cycle is brought to fruition as the moon moves to the full light on 11-23-18 in the fresh and pure innocence of Gemini and air sign representing the intellect. Bringing information from opposite view points to hold a newly form body of oneness together.

The international higher mind and generous spirit of a new beginning of open and sometimes opinionated attitudes of Sagittarius conflicts of action and vision creating growth for nurturing new growth on 12-22-18 while in conflict with past authority.

The next new-full moon cycle begins on January 5th with the New moon in Capricorn with transformations at hand if deception tries to take an upper hand over an array of visionary moves. The cycle ends with a Super Full Moon / Lunar Eclipse in the boldness of Leo poised for revolution with trickster energy.  The lunar eclipse is about shadow elements of the full moon coming to light having to so with the following possible issues: excessive pride or hubris; narcissistic love, overly dramatic. We are witness to these elements and we can acknowledge and release them.

The fourth moon cycle of 2019 begins with the February 4th new moon in Aquarius. Revolution and disruption are poised between old guard patriarchal rigidity and a strong urge to push forward despite the potential for enormous conflict. The super full moon ends the cycle on February 19th with an anchor into the past and a volatile stock market. The choice is to nurture our dreams or collapse into our nightmares.  Or stay compassionately neutral.

The fifth cycle is the last of the super full moons and runs close to the Spring equinox on March 20th. This cycle begins on march 6th with dreams and compassion for a positive future supported by transformational processes of authority but only if we, as individuals take advantage of the opportunities. However, communication can be challenging with Mercury at a karmic degree of Pisces – sharpen your pencils and remember to listen with care and compassion. The super full moon is about the balance of relationship (full moon in Libra) with great optimism (on a darker note – grandiosity). Mercury (thought, communication – verbal and written ect.) retrograding (intensity) near Neptune (low end: confusion, deception, illusion, drugs and alcohol; high end: compassionate vision, forging exacting communications to a degree of higher consciousness). Action supports transformation which in turn grounds new relationships poised for greater transformation, healing wounds.

[The Spring Equinox Chart for Washington, DC is March 20, 2019 at 5:58:23 pm EDT calls for a transformational time of action. There is disruption/revolution in the Capital with emotions running high especially with regard to the divine feminine. The potential for confusion and misinterpretation / illusion is high. Also, we may see between now and the summer solstice – June 21 2019 the divine feminine paving the way for clear communication and better relationships.]

The final of 6th moon cycle is interesting because sun and moon end at a karmic degree in the last degree of Libra. The New Moon in Aries on April 5, 2019 begins with forging leadership and nurturing international or long-distance relationships. There is a need to stay vigilant around issues of communication – watch for deception on the low end; on the high end communicating with vision and compassion in an air of inclusiveness. On the karmic full moon on April 19, 2019 the Moon is at 29 degrees Libra – allowing us to work through the karma of relationships through truth and thereby find a true working balance. The battle between past and future is exquisitely balanced in conflict and yet it is a conflict that seeks resolution. Revolution may be obscured but it’s there if we open ourselves to it.

 

 

Connection to Nature via the Heart

treetops

In 1984 I was in leadership training. Our group was team building on a Ropes Course near Woodland, California. One of our teammates was up in the trees preparing to jump onto a wobbly platform, supported in a safety hares by two burly fellows on the ground and two support people in the trees. Our support consisted of us yelling like rabid cheerleaders at her. It made no sense to me so I projected the supportiveness of my heart energy into the trees and towards her.

Something happened that I hadn’t expected.

I saw light coursing through the trunks and branches of the trees. The fear she felt blocked the light from completion through her to her destination. Looking at the light streaming so quickly through the trees was intense.

I looked down. I looked at the ground and then at the bare skin on my left arm.

I saw inside my arm. Where blood was pumping through the arteries and veins I saw light pulsing. I felt alarmed.

Was I going crazy?

I was standing between the tree and a four foot high green leafy bush who had a soft white light all around it.

The light extended down and covered my arm as if to comfort me.

I closed my eyes… and prayed for normalcy.

Everything returned to the “normal”.

A few months later I had two more experiences of being connected via light to Planet Earth.

the spiritual purpose of ego (revised)

background beautiful blossom calm waters
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Ego — the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. (New Oxford American Dictionary).

Ego develops as language develops. It could be assumed that ego is an invented concept (as is language and time) that floats on the surface of life. Using the metaphor of a pond: ego is the surface that is readily seen and experienced and the spiritual self or Being is all the water seen and unseen. Being is largely unknown for a variety of reasons one of which is we come to believe we are ego and get attached the content of our lives. We miss the context of our lives which belongs with Being or a kind of spiritual gestalt.

Most religious and/or spiritual precepts define our spiritual selves in a wide variety of ways. The spiritual is universal and transcends ego to include greater consciousness. Ego is relegated to describe the spiritual, which is often ineffable.

…the ego must be destroyed to let the Spirit side of us flourish. This, of course, is impossible.

The spiritual side of our nature is often left fallow and underdeveloped because our attention is outward in the world of stuff, things and the temporary desires of ego. Meditation and other spiritual practices allow us to look inward, connect with our spirit and create a ground for our Being self to grow and mature.

Many secular people think that the ego must be destroyed to let the Spirit side of us flourish. This is impossible. Ego is so intertwined with our lives with language, with linear time, with relationships that it becomes seamless and invisible unless we reflect upon it. Once ensconced by ego development and inculcated within its matrix even reflection does not supply an adequate release from its trappings. Illusion is created by ego in thinking that ego is egoism and can be eradicated. We need ego to interface with the politically social world with its rules and meta-rules, and manage the mundane of our lives.

The friction created between Spirit/Being and ego can be used to create energy.

From the point of view of a developed Spiritual Self/Being the ego provides conditions of human existence — or lessons that define the parameters/conditions of having a body and being in a human society. There will always be lessons as long as we dwell in a physical body. This is the good news.

loveflameEternity-copy2

When we accept that the ego will always be there and we develop an ego that has integrity then the work between our Spiritual nature and ego can begin. The friction created between Spirit and ego can be used to create energy that may be expended or saved for future Being/Spiritual work. This could be called the work of consciousness and transcendence of ego while under the conditions of our physical bodies. Part of the purpose of the human experience is utilizing the energy of attachment (especially the attachments to suffering*) to release it moment by moment and transcend into a higher level of consciousness.

This higher level of consciousness (will always be claimed by ego) allows for perceiving unseen worlds that bind all spirits chained in biological and non-biological forms. This binding helps our egos to experience love and compassion which is the light that permeates all substances and is the beginning of enlightenment.

* even avoiding suffering is an attachment to suffering because it is a response to a dislike. By releasing attachments to pain, for instance, some of the pain can be released.

[originally published in August of 2016]

For more about my work visit:  Ontario’s The Kai

The Light, the Dark and Earth “Below”

Happy Solstice

time lapse photo of stars on night

A possible way of looking at Solstices and Equinoxes as the function of a patriarchal separation of people from planet earth to a reorientation based on the sun and light.

life was under stewardship

taurus

In the matriarchal times the beginning of the Zodiac was Taurus, the sign denoting the womb with the Fallopian tubes on top and not the bull. At the equatorial zones and in the northern latitudes the seasons of planting began after the frost towards the end of April -the beginning of spring for earth. Worship of earth as womb and creator of life was honored and built into an agrarian based culture / civilization. Though women nurtured life and men were thought to be vessels of the Goddess of an earth based deity the culture was communally oriented, nothing was owned. All was shared with the group and life was under stewardship.

honoring the Goddess

It could also have been that the Southern Hemispheres were grounded in a culture where the beginning of the zodiac was Virgo, based on spring there. Jeffrey Wolf Green, astrologer suggests that when men began realizing they contributed sperm and were not just vessels used by the Goddess they rebelled and the patriarchy was born – in reaction. Men owned property, women and children. Male children passed on the ownership and legacy of men etc.

a hierarchy took root

The focus moved away from nurturing earth, honoring the Goddess into worship of a God in the heavens thus the solstices and equinoxes, seasons divided into four quarters by amounts of light. Agriculture continued under the increasingly greater control of men and eventually science (an extension of men) but the focus was shifted from Earth to Sky and a hierarchy took root.

a sky God that meshed with the patriarchal structure of leadership

Goddess as Earth was a bountiful civilization with a nurturing structure of stewardship that maintained a mostly horizontal structure with the exception of the dimishment of the importance of the male. In the European and Tigris-Euphrates Rivers of Turkey, Syria and Iraq the overthrow of the matriarchy though violence was easy, as Attila the Hun swept across Asia – conquering. The matriarchy wasn’t prepared for the sudden change. In the Americas the changes in the indigenous population was more gradual from matriarchy to patriarchy. The patriarchal tribes retained many of the matriarchal transitions before they were albeit destroyed by the Europeans.

pure Goddess / Matriarchy roots

 The patriarchal God was a reactionary and vengeful God that came from above – a sky God that meshed with the patriarchal structure of leadership. This seemed to be a rageful reaction to the oppression by the matriarchy and the systemic misogyny based in the newer system. It wasn’t until the patriarchal God sent male saviors that retribution was supplanted by other forms of leadership though that appears to have been largely unsuccessful.

Wicca and Pagan celebrations though influenced by the patriarchy were still rooted in the matriarchy and may have tried to combine Solstice and Equinox traditions with pure Goddess / Matriarchy roots. The patriarchy sought to demonize them on many occasions, early Christians hid their celebrations by blending them with Pagan and Wicca celebrations and later demonized them via the Roman Catholic Church, for example.

Nevertheless, below in figures 1 through 4 are 3 representations of the upcoming Winter Solstice and one of the Summer Solstice:

WinterSolstice1n2

The gap between the patriarchy and the next epoch of which we are on the cusp is about a balancing and/or healing of the patriarchy with the matriarchy to help co-create an age of cooperative partnership.

Solstice3-4

Interpretations of each solstice chart will be coming very soon.

 

For more about my work visit:  Ontario’s The Kai

Empathic Process and Beyond

adult alone black and white blur
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

On this precipice of transformation the world seems entrenched in romanticizations of the past, which is producing unnecessary injustices pain and suffering beyond the pale of the ordinary.

as an empath I feel their pain

 Survival is an interesting balancing act between feeling deep anguish,pain and suffering and a retreat into rationalizations and /or other protections of the mind. The danger of a continuous retreat into the mind is a numbing of emotion. Too much emotional distress that is left unprocessed leads to overwhelm and shock, suppression recycling unconscious processes that have alternating anxiety, fear, anger and /or depressive moods to name a few a part of the emotional strategies of coping albeit unbalanced.

something happens that seems like divine intervention

When I work with people who are in pain I acknowledge their pain, its truth and being and as an empath I feel their pain. It pushes up against the pain I have felt in my life and allows me to identify and bear witness to their pain and mine. Merely by bearing witness with an open heart, suspending judgment sometime something happens that seems like divine intervention. Their pain is slowly allowed to release a little in the moment. It doesn’t mean that the pain won’t return it just means that if I hold a respectful loving and compassionate space for someone without expecting any result the pain sometimes leaves. This is miraculous. It seems divine because it has to do with a force that is invisible in our lives – the neutral space, the place of the witness.From the witness the higher vibrations of love and compassion flows through me and amazes me because – although it seems a part of me it belongs to a greater oneness that is part of the essence, core or divine self. From many years of healing work it has become easier to release judgment and accept another person’s reality completely. This has been a gift (from the mystery of the Divine).

The Divine enters and is both me and not me

Surrendering ego is the push that keeps a boundary in place that may as well be a wall and that is extraordinarily difficult to release until it isn’t. In that moment when the “I” is released all compassion, love and/or the divine that is all round as it has always been. I have kept it out, me the ego. The release of ego is so simple in the act. Getting to the place of release, of surrender, of sacrifice is gut-wrenchingly arduous. The release is sweetness and freeing.

the light of relief is experienced in all its innocence

In that momentary place of release and holding space the healing empathic forces come into play. They come through me when I step out of the way in the moment.

The Divine enters and is both me and not me, is a child of mirth and wild play; and that which is greater acting through me. Still the ego in me would like to lift the suffering from the one who is with me. I, the ego, realizes this is a disservice to the person in front of me who is suffering. I have come to see that by holding sacred space and allowing the person’s pain and suffering to run its course that they are learning a new grace and wisdom of unwinding karma and releasing their pain. I feel privileged that I can witness a birth within another as suffering and pain go and the light of relief is experienced in all its innocence.

This is one gift of the empath.

For more about my work visit:  Ontario’s The Kai

The Perils of Greater Visibility

seamless invisibility

In the 1990s I became locally well known in Marin County California due to offering intuitive readings at the New Leaf Bookstore in Larkspur. I had always considered myself a private person until that point so I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

Groupies:

The original term came from rock stars that had followers of young woman worshipers who wanted sex. However due to more people entering a greater degree of visibility and/or becoming leaders their“followers” project what they want to see on their leader and then fall for the projections. This is a more accurate definition of groupie psychology. The newly visible person whether a blogger with thousands of followers, a tech entrepreneur, a socially responsible business executive, sustainable green company CEO, or an author with a small following these people attract golden and dark shadow projections from their admirers and / or followers.

At first golden projections put one on a pedestal like a goddess or god. The Divine don’t make mistakes, but humans do. I was treated like a god / holy person by a household of adoring women. A woman asked for a private phone session and I let her know about my 24-hour cancellation policy. She did not keep the appointment, said something else came up and that I had never told her about cancellation policy. I displayed restrained irritability and was barred from this household and was treated as less than human. I went from a holy person to untouchable when they experienced a negative emotion from me.

I quickly recognized the golden projections of others and reminded people I was just as imperfect as they were and did not deserve the degree of praise given. Of course some praise was humble and genuine and I accepted that gracefully. I made some errors in judgments and was stalked three times, all of which were corrected by me and made right.

Projections and Darker Attacks

In my healing practice now I deal with the groupie worship that my clients experience. The greatest challenges are interdimensional attacks that come in a wide array of forms from projections to darker elements. If you are experiencing projections and / or attacks there are ways to recognize the kind of attack and work on healing, defending against future attacks or getting help.

Empathic Protection

For more about my work visit:  Ontario’s The Kai

I grew up inside a Terrorist Regime – my family

 

CypressGrove5x

The Road Out via Compassion

 

I grew up inside a Terrorist Regime: in my family of origin where my father was the dictator and his word was law.

When I was a pre-teen he would shout me down into submission when he disagreed with something I said and end with telling me I was being illogical.

This was worse than death, torture of my dog.

He would continue to castigate my mother by telling her she was “irrational”. More often than not she was intuitive and non-rational

Around that time we adopted a stray dog: Peewee. He went everywhere with me – on my walks in the woods and to the reservoir. We never tied him up when we weren’t home. He ran with a pack of dogs that ate sheep. The sheep owner told us we would have to tie him up. We did for a while and then not having the heart to keep him tied up we let him go and he ate sheep again. My father was to take him to the vet to be put down. At dinner that night my father said:

I took Peewee to Yale to be experimented on. 

My head sank. This was worse than death, torture of my dog. I was so sad and down.

I thought you liked science – my father said.

 Not anymore – I said starting to get angry.

But I couldn’t show my anger otherwise I’d get in-trouble so I stuffed it.

After dinner beginning in my early teens we played Ping-Pong every night after dinner. He’d use psychological tactics on me to goad me to become angry, throw me off balance so he could win. One night, I thought – this is supposed to be fun. I decided not to get angry and started winning games. Once that happened he stopped playing and admitted that I had been a better player than he was and that by using psychological tactics he knew he could win.

he would bait others into Republican ideological arguments and then shout them down when they didn’t agree with them

When I was a teenager my father would bait me into arguments that I was emotionally invested in and then use his premise to make me feel wrong and confused. I’d fall for his debate tactics every time. When I was in my twenties I began to disagree with his premises and all “debate” ended.

My mom came to me and asked: “What am should I do about your father?”

 “What do you mean?”

“Well you know how he is.”

My mother’s friends never came over anymore because he would bait others into Republican ideological arguments and then shout them down when they didn’t agree with them.

            “You could see a therapist or minster,” I said.

            “I couldn’t do that,” she replied.

            “You could get a divorce,” I said.

           “Oh no, I couldn’t do that,” she replied.

            “Well, I don’t know what else to tell you,” I said.

My sister and I would spend all daylight hours outside of the house away from my mother and father and that I supposed was normal. We lived surrounded by bucolic regions of farms, fields and woods. My father would use his booming voice to call us for dinner while we were at least a mile away. He had had a lot of practice bellowing.

He told me once that he promised never to hit us like his father had done to his mother, him and his two sisters. But he broke his promise a few times. However he made up for actually physical violence by terrorizing us with verbal and non-verbal threats.

He often accused and never apologized even when he made a mistake.

He oscillated between sometimes being a looming or threatening boss to be a playful child albeit isolating. He was jealous of my mother having any recognition and acted passive-aggressively to quell her recognition: My mother would play the piano and we would sing folk songs and Christmas Carols after dinner. My mom also painted some. My father decided he could paint too. He painted some squares and a triangle on a canvas and put a mahogany frame around it. He hung it over the piano. When this happened I felt a profound shame and the childish jealousy of my father. My mother’s only visible protest was never to play the piano again. We all knew and my father had won his petty little game.

One time my sister and I – always the rivals often competing for my father’s attention were having a blast; bickering. It was a bit like the Monte Python sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLlv_aZjHXc

Our father yelled from the other room to “Stop it,” in his booming voice. We furtively glanced at each other snickering under our breaths and then began bickering again:

“Yes it is,” I fired out.

“No it isn’t,” my sister came back.

And on we went…

Our father appeared in the door of the kitchen his face red with rage, fists clenched he spewed in a vitriolic manner:

You kids cease and desist this instant!

 I thought blood would spurt from a vein in his forehead. He glared at us full of fury and rage. I had to bite my tongue so as not to speak or laugh. Many years later my sister told me she was so terrified that she had wet herself.

In my arguments to my father about the Vietnam war – I returned from college and told him I was against the war: he punched me across the face with a 1-2 punch and then in the stomach. He opened the front door of the house and threw me into the bushes and said:

Don’t you ever set foot in this house, again.

I was shaking and crying. A moment later he came out and invited me back inside saying:

I guess I didn’t brainwash you good enough.

 I knew my mother had stood up for me in that moment.

I learned to bring emotion into our debate and was able to stop many debates cold such as: The Vietnam war is wrong because killing for any reason is wrong and that’s how I feel.

my father was extremely obnoxious … after drinking in the afternoon

Later when I was going through a very rough time and we were in family therapy without my sister who was in college out west my father agreed to be nice to me. For about a year and a half he was nice. And then he changed back.

When I asked him about the change he said: “I can see that you were okay so I decided to be myself again.”

I offered to do some hands-on healing.

My father would have an occasional beer and an after dinner liquor when his friends came over for dinner. Once I had lunch with him in New Haven in the 1974 when we both worked in the city (it was the summer that Nixon resigned). He had a pitcher of beer with lunch. He seemed the same before as he did afterwards. At that time I wasn’t as aware of the various shades of alcoholism as I became later.

In the 1980s my sister visited with my mother and father. I met them for lunch. I was to meet them later at their Bed and Breakfast and then we were to meet up my woman lover at a restaurant in Glen Ellen. When I met them at the B&B my father was extremely obnoxious: grabbing a magazine article from my hands while I was reading it, ignoring my protest, telling me I had to listen to him etc… Later I learned that he and my sister had gone to a bar after lunch and had been drinking. My mother probably just watched – she didn’t drink due to health issues.

I felt satisfied that I was able to help him and that he had accepted my help.

They moved from Connecticut to North Carolina and I visited them in 2000.

My father said out of the blue:

            They’ve discovered planets in other solar systems.”

            “Good for them,” I replied.

            “How does astrology explain that?”

‘Oh brother here we go again.’ I thought

“Sounds like your trying to make fun of my profession as an astrologer,” I said going to the end point.

“Ah, no, no I wasn’t,” he said and dropped the whole thing. I was relieved and he seemed relieved as well.

He often accused and never apologized, ever.

By August of 2005 my father was on oxygen from pulmonary fibrosis – a lung disease. Even on O2 he had difficulty breathing, gasping for air. Towards the last hour of my stay I offered to do some hands-on healing. I thought he would refuse since he rarely praised me and denigrated my actions, choices and accomplishments at every turn of my life. I was surprised that he agreed.

For the next 45 minutes while I was there he breathed normally and appeared thankful though he said nothing. I felt satisfied that I was able to help him and that he had accepted my help.

He died in 2006 on my birthday from from pulmonary fibrosis.


END NOTES:  I learned much about the frightened Conservative stance towards the world through my father and his strong patriarchal ideals. Underneath all that bluster, anger and rage was a frightened boy who had never recovered from the abuse at the hands of his father. My father acknowledged the beatings that my grandfather had meted out on him his sisters and his mother. I’m sure there was sexual abuse that was repressed and / or supressed by alcohol abuse and acting-out rage, just as my garndfather had sexually abused me in horrific ways.

Beyond the unhealed abuse and fear that caused him to shift from an expansive man who had voted for JFK to one who embraced Nixon, Reagan, and both Bushs. Nixon was elected in 1969 when my father was almost 50. This is sometimes the period that people wither or break free from their parents belief systems. Or they become dissillusioned with the ideals of youth and fall back into what they know. My father embraced conservativism because it was about the past – government unresponsive to the needs of the many and only able to see the needs of the privelged and the elite in which he identified.

Fear is a breeding ground for greed, having enough, believing government stood in the way of making as much money as possible for himself. He was angry at those in civil service work because they made almost as much as he did as an executive for Ma Bell. Manual labor was beneath him. The intellect was all powerful and deserved the best of the elite. The common man – the middle class became superfluous, invisible and therefore inconsequential to him.

He belived in the platitudes and the American Dream and thought that all had access to it through hard work. He was sexist and racist and homeophobic. He was a sad broken man who took out his wounds on others.

I am happy to have survived my childhood with my heart intact though it took me many years to get in-touch with my emotions. I have forgiven my father for all the wounds he had perpertated on me. And I trust that his consciousness is growing in a life beyond his mortal coil.